sammi is my boyfriend, we made it official. i don't think he considers me his girlfriend, though. he isn't behaving like a boyfriend should anymore. he said that he lost all feelings, not just regarding me, but in general. i don't quite know what to do. i've been asking him to meet and he never made time. i'm seeing him on sunday and i don't know what to expect. i feel like i want to break up with him but then again, i haven't seen him in so long. i need him closer if he wants to be my boyfriend. i don't like this distance. i don't know if he wants to be my boyfriend.
the last time i saw him was a week before i left for vienna. i was hesitant to go. he said i shouldn't worry, he won't leave me. he lied. he left. i don't want to beg for his attention anymore. i want him to *want* to see me. he was different in the beginning, i don't know what changed. it seems to always go like this. no-one ever tells me what i did wrong, they always say it isn't my fault. but this is the third time someone is leaving without giving me a reason, so it's hard not to notice the pattern. and it seems that i am the common denominator.
he hasn't left me yet. but i'm scared of what he'll say on sunday. i'm scared of what *i'll* say. this is not the carefree teenage romance i want. this is not what i imagined having a boyfriend to be like. i don't know what i imagined. i want to get ice cream, go swimming, visit museums, seee movies, all those things. i want to kiss at the door, i want to put my head on his shoulder, i want people to see that he is mine and i am his.
we were on the bus once and he wiped away some lipstick from the corner of my mouth with his thumb. a girl a few seats down said "i think i just witnessed romance..." and i had to laugh. all of my friends said that we look good together. we complement each other. i want this to work out. i like him a lot. i'll try my best when i see him. i'll let him talk and then decide. i want to know if he is willing to put in effort for me. make time for me.